WARNING: If you are easily offended, don’t appreciate properly used profanity, or you are against name-calling…stop reading now. Go back to the Player Evals, maybe read about the FQRS System. Anything. Just stop reading the content here. This area is reserved for expertly-placed negativity and at times, some praise for the deserving. Mostly negative, gotta be honest. You have been warned!

Every year I remind my readers that this Boston-bred, anti-Cleveland f*ck stick is personally responsible for the Cleveland Sucks and God Hates Cleveland narratives that have perpetuated in the national sports media for the last 10+ years. Our teams have not done us proud, this is true. But this gaping stinking asshole decided to make it his mission in life to destroy our great city’s reputation in all respects and has carried the torch daily for over a decade.

So this is my annual statement and message to my readers that GOD HATES BILL SIMMONS more than he hates the City of Cleveland and the Browns, Indians and Cavs fans in it. God has looked down upon Bill’s disgusting, black, empty soul and declared CLE the winner. I encourage all of you to call into his shitty podcast as often as possible, and tell him to his face that CLE is watching and laughing as his career slips in a pile of elephant shit face first, and we wish death upon him.

I hope he succumbs to some awful horrible disease and while dying, there is a giant TV in the room so he has to watch the Browns winning the goddamn Super Bowl. I wish pestilence on his land, death to his livestock and pain and suffering on his family. F*ck you Bill Simmons. You will always be 5’9″ and appallingly sub-human. You may have worked the Boston out of your accent, but you can’t shake the maggots and stink that inhabit your elitist East Coast personality. May you get pink eye every week until your eyes need to be removed. May thousands of Clevelanders pilgrimage to your grave each year to piss on your rotting f*cking face.

That is all for now.

Well, look who decided that Bill Simmons needed to be replaced by another bag of Giraffe shit? It’s Colin “Click Bait” Cowherd. Another rotting dick weasel of a TV personality that will say anything to get ratings and Insta responses. A globulous f*ck stain with bad caps and worse takes, Cowturd has decided to make it his mission in life to downplay the very real, extremely current, and certainly future accomplishments of one Baker Mayfield. He is so dumb that after taking 50 sh*ts on Baker during and after the 2018 Draft, he actually invited Baker onto his show and proceeded to get his balls cut off and rammed down his throat by our 22 year old QB. And then he doubled down on his own stupidity because then it was definitely “on”. Colin, you fucked with the wrong kid my friend…go watch the tape on how he treated Hue ZERO Jackson. You will not be treated that kindly. Baker will win 2 Super Bowls on his hatred for you ALONE…

The amazing and ironic truth is that Cowturd’s middle name is actually BAKER!!! I am not making this up…check Wikipedia. He’s another guy like Simmons that worked for ESPN for years and was summarily dumped. Oh sure, the ESPN brass talked about how great it was to have him, and they wished him well and new beginnings and all that f*cking horseshit that we all know means they hated him more than we do. The entire Fox Sports corporate brain trust must have been on acid the day someone suggested they hire him. Or they could be considered geniuses in this age of media thuggery. Fox knew damn well he was a click-bait whore of the highest order. He never did anything on air that wasn’t greasy and reeked of desperation, shade and self-loathing. His career is a literal trail of tears from so many inappropriate and disgusting statements about folks who should never have had their names spoken by this clown-tumor.

Cowturd is so far OFF the Browns and Mayfield bandwagon, he is pissing gasoline on it and setting it on fire every time he discusses his feelings about it. It would be mildly funny and possibly entertaining if he wasn’t doing it so seriously, but doesn’t have a high enough IQ to realize he should already be backpeddling his hot takes based on things we did LAST season. His sometimes famous and noteworthy guests often shake their heads, laugh or just call him out directly for being an anti-Cleveland prick for no justifiable reason.

But this bag of d*cks will continue to move the markers, reset the standards and change the metrics to ensure that he never has to give Baker or the Browns any credit, or explain why he was so forcefully and stupidly wrong about everything he said. He will find a way to make the argument that we didn’t win the Super Bowl, even if we do. Christ, even Jason LaConfora realizes what’s different about this team now and he’s fully engaged to be married to Baker like the rest of us. He might be in the top three of national writers saying negative sh*t about the Browns over the last three or four years! Wake up CowTurd!

So…this is my inaugural reminder to my readers that Colin Cowherd is not only a misinformed, uneducated, misguided and useless HACK, but he MUST be ignored. The only thing that keeps this puss-filled sack of cockroach excrement earning money, is people paying attention to what comes out of his mouth. Please…for the love of god and Cleveland, pretend this monkey does not exist and do it as harshly as you possibly can!

Maybe I have a short fuse these days…maybe I just have too much CLE blood running through my veins. I don’t know. All I do know is that when I listen to national sports guys I expect to hear professional, objective and relatively educated content on whatever topics they have for the day. Right? Are my expectations too high? Should I not be mad when I hear these idiots express OPINIONS? Local media, sure they are going to disappoint me consistently, like every f*cking day. Every press conference question, every training camp interview makes me want to crawl up into my own asshole and die. And I realize that’s what they get paid for, those opinions. Sometimes it’s gold, right? And maybe my own warped sense of pride clouds my judgement on these issues…perhaps. Just maybe, I lack self-awareness to a degree that means I don’t realize I do it too?

But the national media? Shouldn’t that be different? Can’t I hold these people to a higher standard? I mean, sure, I’m used to ESPN showing extremely poor judgement in hiring talking heads, who pander to the political crowd by combining corporate-owner-driven politics with their sports takes in order to draw incredibly temporary audiences that get tallied up and shown as “ratings”. Then they can fire up the advertising machine and overcharge Nike or Adidas or Gatorade for running ads on their shitty shows. They don’t know how to separate church and state (sports and politics) and they are the leader of the Click Bait Mafia when it comes to new world order approach to sports talk. Hot Takes, No Content.

This new world order includes throwing unnecessary shade at famous or popular figures, insinuating bad behavior, outright character assassination, writing hit pieces for fun, taking dramatic contrarian views and having NOTHING in way of proof to back any of it up. It’s their OPINION…so no proof necessary. They have Twittified the world of sports talk radio. I guess you could say they are doing the news as it’s been done for centuries…?

All of this leads me to my actual point and my source of today’s road rage. This morning while driving to work I’m listening to NFL Channel on Sirius. The Opening Drive it’s called, with Bob Papa and Charlie Weiss and I am sure many of you have heard of it. These guys are supposed to be representing the entire NFL…all teams…national perspective. Right? Uh huh. No bias at all!

It might make sense for us to look at some highlights in the biography of each guy before I start yelling about their bullshit…

Charlie Weiss – Grew up in New Jersey, coached for the Patriots (twice) coached for the NY Giants (under Parcells), coached for the NY Jets. His favorite sports team? NY Yankees…

Bob Papa – Grew up in New Jersey, worked for ESPN, was the Voice of the NY Giants for like 15 years…get the f*cking picture yet?

And who did the Browns trade for? Who did they have a press conference for yesterday to celebrate a fresh start and change of scenery from the Big Rotten Apple? Yep. So when it came time for them to “report” on this news, the tone changed from skippy and happy to very somber, very disapproving. Immediately you knew some negative commentary was coming. These f*ckers were winding up to smack CLE because HOW DARE THEY TAKE AN ELITE TALENT AND CELEBRITY FROM THE MOST IMPORTANT SPORTS CITY IN THE WORLD??? HOW DARE WE???

So Bob Papa starts setting up these balls on tees for old Charlie The Hutt to hit out of the park in order to express their lack of approval of what was said at our press conference. It was exactly like the beginning of every Cowturd commentary related to CLE. You can feel the visceral hatred coming off his voice, he starts to set up his own tee so he can smack us in the balls on each point he raises for himself to disapprove of. Like the pretty rich girl in school who becomes incensed when a poor, but prettier girl shows up one day. HOW DARE YOU.

Old Charlie and Papa used exactly this same technique. Instead of offering kudos for such a prescient and team friendly trade by a respected franchise, they wanted to use that passive-aggressive I-can’t-believe-Cleveland-even-has-an-NFL-team review of the facts. First, they discuss how OBJ talked only about Gold Jackets, not about winning Super Bowls. Not a single mention of Super Bowls or winning, Charlie says. Clearly OBJ, a self-centered, non-team-oriented prick, doesn’t even want to WIN GAMES that would lead to Super Bowls, because he just wants to skip right to the Hall of Fame. The shame of it all…this OBJ and his haughty, selfish approach to football. What a front-running asshole who wants the easy way to fame and fortune! SHAME!

Then, because how could they NOT take a swing at Baker, Papa says, well what about what Baker said about team expectations for 2019? They played the clip. And Charlie starts talking about how Baker did not need to admonish the press for setting expectations FOR the team. (Baker basically said, as you probably heard, that the team wants to set those expectations for themselves, internally, and no offense to the media, but they didn’t need to listen to or answer to those outside bars being set for them). Now, Charlie takes personal offense apparently at this swipe that Baker has taken at the Media, of which Fat Charlie is a member. UNBELIEVABLE, THE NERVE OF THIS KID!

He goes on to say, with a completely straight face (I assume), that Baker is actually COMPLETELY CORRECT in what he said. No bullshit, he said Baker was absolutely right. BUT HE DID NOT NEED TO SAY THAT OUT LOUD, DIRECTLY TO THE PRESS (…the poor, helpless, defenseless press…fuck me, really?).

So you see, this is what I have a problem with. A clearly biased, NY Giants-water-carrying asshole with a microphone and a national audience is so determined to say something negative about a PRESS CONFERENCE that he MAKES SHIT UP in order to complete his agenda on behalf of the elitist East Coast franchises who will NOT stand for mid-tier cities like Cleveland making them look bad. It’s not enough that they always will have the most championships, attract the best players, enjoy the largest fan base by population, the ability to draw ad revenues that other cities only dream of. Nah, that’s not nearly enough. We MUST beat down those little f*cking pricks like CLE who are starting to get too big for their britches…and haven’t won anything yet. And won’t if they can do anything to prevent it…

And people wonder why I seem so angry all the time…

Coming soon: My next post will be taking aim at the local media coverage of the Draft and the strategy, the players and the stories behind it all. Why is their coverage so boring, so repetitive and worse yet SO SHALLOW on such a deep and content-rich topic? Every year offers another deep pool of individual stories of inspiration, hard work, suffering and triumph. What’s wrong the local reporting and what can be done to make it better?